I've never been very vocal about my experience, but as Black Breastfeeding week concluded last week, I felt compelled to share my journey. Even as I typed that sentence out, I almost put journey in air quotes and that's so indicative of the lack of grace & appreciation I had for myself and my efforts during that time.
As I've mentioned before, I'm a mother of three. I had my first child at 22, my next at 33, and my most recent at 35. As any woman can tell you, all pregnancies are different as are the postpartum journeys thereafter. With my first, I was young and very naive on what to expect as a first-time mother. I recall after having my daughter, the staff asking if I'd planned on breastfeeding and without hesitation, I told them no. I didn't know much about breastfeeding then. This was before social media really hit its peak and every topic imaginable became easily accessible. My doctor had never mentioned it and neither had anyone else. My only "experience" (and that's being generous) was having a close friend who breastfed her daughter, but after hearing/seeing what she was going through to do so, I happily declined and didn't look back. I will never forget being out shopping with my best friend a couple weeks postpartum and noticing a stain through my shirt and was completely clueless as to what it was. I had no idea that the body naturally produced the milk despite me verbally stating I wasn't going to breastfeed nor did I ever latch my daughter. My best friend let me know that I was leaking milk and oh, how embarrassed I was. And before you put on your judgment hat, again...I was a tender 22. Lol.
The second time around, I was far more educated but also much more intrigued. I followed all the IG pages, signed up for the webinars, joined all the Facebook groups, and asked the breastfeeding moms I knew all the questions as I was super determined to breastfeed my first son. I put all the supplies on my registry. I ordered the free pump through my insurance. When I say I was ready, I was ready. And as soon as he came, I realized just how unready I actually was. Despite the conversations, the posts, the articles, and the classes, there was nothing in this world that could've prepared me for what it felt like to nurse. For the first couple of feeds while still in the hospital, things were good. I'd heard of possible nipple pain but I'd literally just given birth completely unmedicated, so I thought to myself...what really is pain? And boy, was I shown. The tenderness of my nipples after less than 24 hours was truly more than I could bear. I was so nervous about him actually latching on again and inducing more pain, that I became overly stressed & flustered and couldn't successfully latch him on my own. I had to swallow my pride and ask the nurses/lactation specialists for help feeding my own baby. I remember trying to push through the pain and discomfort and guilting myself for not being able to nurse as effortlessly as those in the happy breastfeeding posts could. If you've seen me, you know that I don't lack in the boob category so I naturally assumed, it'd be a breeze for me because I mean...I had more than enough boob to go around and here again, was another misconception on my part. Shortly after having my son, I was met with not only postpartum depression, but was also dragged into one of thee most stressful situations I've ever had in my life. I cried. I tried. And I just simply couldn't get it. I would pump enough for a current feeding and was never able to pump enough to create one of those amazing stashes for the deep freezer like I saw on Instagram. I felt like such a complete failure not only as a mom, but also as a woman because I felt like my body was literally made for this. I would ask myself how pitiful are you that you can't even complete this "simple" task? I lasted all of about 2 weeks (if that) with breastfeeding my son and that only fed into my postpartum depression even more. I vowed that if I ever had another child, I would be much more prepared. I knew what to actually expect now and I would be far more successful.
My most recent son came in December of last year and if you've seen the IG post, you'd know how eventful my delivery was. He and I both nearly lost our lives and after waking up from an emergency c-section, the last thing on my mind was nursing. For the first couple hours post-surgery, I couldn't even stay awake long enough, let alone be coherent enough to attempt to nurse/pump in addition to all of the medication that was still flowing through my body. He was placed on formula and though temporarily bummed, I knew I had a couple of days until my milk would come in anyway. This time around, I had it all. Multiple pumps, the nursing pads, the cooling gels, the nipple butter, all of it. My friend even knew how invested I was in trying to breastfeed and bought me a hands-free pump. I was READY, y'all ok? R-E-A-D-Y! I ended up in the hospital far longer than anticipated and was provided a pump and obtained assistance from the lactation specialist to latch him. I'd scored again, another baby with a perfect latch but here I was again, unable to withstand the pain and discomfort. This time around though, I was fine with not nursing. I was perfectly okay with exclusively pumping just so long as he was on breast milk and not formula. Though I made it a bit longer with him, my journey was still cut short around the one month mark. I wasn't eating enough or taking in enough water. I wasn't sleeping enough. I wasn't doing anything enough to help my body create more milk. I kept telling myself tomorrow, I'm going to power pump. I bought multiple supplements and nothing seemed to work. After 20min pumping sessions, I was lucky to have produced 2oz. And while back then, I thought that was nothing, I've come to learn that that's actually a normal amount. I'd spent so much time developing expectations based upon things I saw on the internet or from the experiences of other moms and I was met with a rude awakening. Every woman doesn't pump 11oz of milk during each session. Every woman doesn't have bags & bags worth of milk at the end of each day. Yet again, stress, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy cut my journey short. And although, I made it a couple weeks longer than I did with my other son, I still felt like I failed not only my son but also failed myself again. Allowing all of these negative emotions to overwhelm me and make me believe that I was incapable of feeding my son "naturally."
So, no...I'm not one of those moms that can proudly share that I breastfed my kids for 19+ months. I can't say that I was one of those moms that were able to set aside days & months worth of milk on end. Quite frankly, because my journeys were so short, I've never even considered myself a breastfeeding mom. The shame I felt at their checkups when the nurse would ask their standard "formula or breast milk?" question each time. The self-inflicted judgment I felt saying that my sons were on formula. There are so many things I wish I could've done differently to have extended my journey a bit longer, but these are some tips that I wish I'd practiced myself and in no particular order of priority:
Put your pride aside and establish your support system. Ask for help when/if you need it. Explain to your partner what your wishes are and how they can help and let them assist in any way they can. Whether that's keeping your bedside cart stocked with water/snacks or comforting you with affirmations and reassurance while nursing/pumping. All of it matters. Engage friends who have gone through or are currently on the same journey. Learning some of the best techniques and helpful tips/tricks can produce positive outcomes, as well as having a safe space to turn to when you're feeling discouraged, etc. Whether you're engaging a friend or a lactation specialist, know that you're not a failure for calling in back up.
Be kind/gentle with yourself and extend yourself some grace. Offer kind & encouraging words to yourself throughout your nursing sessions. You just carried, nurtured, and birthed a whole human and it's okay if you need to physically/mentally rest before embarking on the next big adventure.
Know that you're doing the best you can and don't compare yourself or your journey to anyone else. Whether you pump 1.5oz in a session or 15, know that you are doing the best you can to nourish your baby. If it turns out you need a supplement or you have a lactation specialist on speed dial, don't shame yourself into feeling like you're less than.
I don't know what the future holds or if I'll ever have the opportunity to breastfeed again, but I did at least want to share some encouragement to any woman who has found themselves in the same boat. And if breastfeeding just isn't your ministry, please don't feel guilty for giving your baby formula. A fed baby will ALWAYS be best.
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