Supporting the Grieving & Healing Yourself

Though grief is not exclusive to certain times of the year, I don’t think it comes as a surprise that the holiday season can be an extremely challenging time for those who are dealing with loss. If I’ve learned anything throughout my journey with grief, it’s that it can literally hit you at any point in time. In the middle of an amazing vacation, as you open your eyes on a random Wednesday, but even more so during the holiday season. The holiday season is typically known as a time that families come together and take a moment to slow down from the daily hustle of life and spend time with and love on one another. The holiday season is a time for memories and traditions. Unfortunately, there are many of us who are left restructuring those traditions due to the loss of a loved one. Though I don’t like to compare stages of grief, I can honestly say that the first holiday season (and pretty much any first e.g. birthdays, vacations, etc.) following the loss of a loved one can be extremely challenging to navigate, especially when that loved one played a pivotal role in your annual memories and traditions. That is not at all to say that once you get past the first year, everything is sunshine and rainbows, but there’s something about that first year that causes shock and disbelief that that person is really gone.

For me, my first Christmas without my dad was gut-wrenching because even up through my adult years, I always spent Christmas Eve at my parents’ house. My dad would put on his pot of greens for our Christmas dinner the next day and my mom would be preparing her green beans. We’d spend the evening playing family games, laughing, and enjoying one another and they’d stay up late to wrap presents til’ the wee hours of the morning. As I grew older, the torch was passed from my parents to my brother to me and I had the incredible honor of preparing breakfast on Christmas morning. My parents would still be sleep and I’d wake up at the crack of dawn overly eager to open presents (yes, even as an adult) and I knew that we couldn’t open gifts until after we had breakfast. I beamed with pride as I prepared a meal with love that I hope would gain my parents’ praise and approval. They’d wake up in the midst of me cooking and would wait as I added the finishing touches and set our plates on the table. From there, we’d exchange our heartfelt Hallmark Christmas cards that typically always included handwritten notes inside and after that, the fun began. We would all proceed to the family room where the presents were stacked and waiting for us to tear in to. My dad, my guy…would often be behind his camcorder recording his family opening their gifts while simultaneously standing there with a trash bag to capture all of the remnants of wrapping paper and clothing boxes as we made our way through the presents. What I remember and miss the most about those Christmas mornings, the gleam in his eye and the smile on his face as he watched on with us forcing him to sit down and take his turn opening the gifts we got him. And this was all while 24 hours of A Christmas Story served as our background soundtrack. As an adult, I now realize how important building traditions and memories are because one day, those memories are all we have left of our loved ones, so I’m extremely grateful for all my parents did over the years and their intentionality in how our holidays were spent.

Maybe someone you know is experiencing a similar pain. Maybe you have a friend or loved one who is going through their first holiday season without someone who played an integral role in their life. Maybe it’s not their first season without them, but their third or fourth or even their tenth, and they’re still working to adjust to their “new normal”. Whatever the case may be, I wanted to share this with the intention of providing some helpful insight on how to offer support during what may be a joyous and celebratory  time of the year for some, and a depressing and crippling time for others. As with all things in life, this is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Grief can be a very intricate and nuanced thing to navigate and can vary from person to person, so as you read this list, please note that this is based upon my own experience processing my grief, as well as my experience in trying to help/support others experiencing grief as well.

1. Don’t let your grieving loved one feel forgotten. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn after my dad passed away was that while my entire world was at a standstill, everyone else’s lives continued to move forward. It’s very easy for those who are dealing with a loss to feel like no one cares because their day-to-day life is the only one impacted, but I can assure you that having someone acknowledge them and the space they’re in can help them feel seen and supported rather than abandoned and alone. And while there may not be anything you can do or say that will offer comfort/peace to someone in mourning, a “hey, I’m praying for you” or “I’m thinking of you” text can go a very long way. Trust me.

2. Don’t take distance/isolation personal. As humans, we can sometimes make others’ behavior somehow about us. We may reach out to someone to offer love and support, and we may or may not get an immediate response. Rather than internalizing the lack of response and focusing your attention on why someone didn’t respond, understand that everyone grieves differently. Some people may take delight in being accessible and in constant communication with people, while others may want to completely detach and disconnect until they’re in a better headspace. As someone who has been through it (and is still going through it), it is easy to feel as though your grief is a burden to others. Having people check in can really make all the difference even if they don’t respond as quickly as you’d like.

3. Include but don’t force. Again, as humans, we tend to operate based on how we process emotions and experiences. So, while one person may want to maintain all their social obligations and appearances, someone else may not. During the holiday season especially, some people may wish to grieve in private. They may not be up to jovial celebrations and putting on a “brave face” to enjoy the holiday festivities, and that’s okay. It can be difficult to watch a loved one isolate and become completely anti-social, but sometimes, that can be part of their process and forcing them to do something they’re not comfortable with can make things worse.

4. Pray for them. One of the cheapest yet most impactful ways to support someone is to simply pray for them. You don’t need any details about their current state, etc. to do so. It can be a prayer as simple as “God, please help them to feel your peace and comfort on this day and the days to come, amen.” As a believer, I know that God has far more power and influence than I ever could, so interceding in prayer on a loved one’s behalf can result in a level of peace that only He can provide.

As mentioned, the insight above is for those who are looking to support someone who is grieving, but what if the person who’s grieving, is you? Below you will find a couple of my biggest takeaways in how I’ve been navigating grief.

1. Be transparent about your needs.  One thing that can hurt the most while grieving is having unmet expectations from people you hold closest to you. I for one, assumed that people should just know how I felt and show up for me without me asking however, in hindsight, I realize just how unfair that expectation was. As I mentioned before, sometimes grief can feel like a burden to others who aren’t going through it and empathy isn’t necessarily a characteristic that everyone possesses. If you’ve never lost a parent, especially one that you were close to, it can be difficult to know how to show up in those moments. Support should be a two-way street. While it’s important to allow others to make space for you, you should also be willing to let people know how they can support you whether up close or from afar. Grief is by far one of the most exposing emotional journeys one can experience because you can be laughing one moment and in complete & utter shambles the next. Vulnerability is important and having the right support system in place is key in helping you move through your journey.

2. Don’t rush your process. While I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I’ve found that many people have a false expectation of when they should be “over” their grief. Let me just start by saying that even 7 years later, I still find myself experiencing moments of intense grief. I truly don’t believe that grief ever has an ending, but rather, it is a continuous process that you just come to terms with living with forever and you adjust accordingly. Don’t put unnecessary pressure and expectations on yourself that after ‘x’ amount of time, you should be fine. You are only setting yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment by holding yourself to that standard.

3. Don’t let anyone else rush your process. I’ve heard and read some pretty insensitive stories where others have placed a deadline on someone’s grief. “It’s been insert any number here months/years, you should really move on and be over it by now.” This is by far one of the worst things someone can say and if you are reading this and you are or have been this person, let this be your cue to never utter those words/thoughts again. There’s not a person in this world who can dictate anyone’s journey with grief and if you find yourself in the presence of someone like this, I highly encourage you to re-evaluate your support system. There are far more gentle ways to speak life and hope into someone that doesn’t include being placed on an arbitrary timeline that someone else feels is appropriate.  

4. Don’t force yourself to carry on old traditions. Now, before I go any further, let me be clear that I don’t believe there is anything negative about carrying on traditions however, I have also seen this have an unintended effect on those who are grieving, so it can most certainly vary case by case. I know there are some people who find comfort in continuing prior traditions however, for others, trying to continue those traditions only further emphasizes the fact that their loved one is no longer here. If it’s helpful, try to create new traditions that include a way of honoring your loved one as that can sometimes help with filling that void.

This last and final point may be the most important part of processing grief.

5. Understand (and accept) that you will never be who you once were prior to your loss. Like many who have experienced a major life change and work desperately to chase after a life had prior to, it can be unrealistic to believe that life as you knew it will return to what it once was, and I say that in the gentlest and kindest way possible. All too often, we try to get back to a feeling of normalcy without realizing that the standard for normalcy has now been drastically changed and impacted. I can never return to a life where I have an earthly father due to the circumstances, but I can learn to adapt and adjust to this new (earthly) fatherless version of myself. I had to adjust to knowing my guy won’t be here to walk me down the aisle or greet me with a forehead kiss after a long day. I no longer have a default person to call when my check engine light comes on or when my car is making a sound that doesn’t seem right. I have had to learn to navigate a life without my dad and as much as it sucks, what was worse was trying my hardest to get back to a life I can never have again. It is an extremely tough pill to swallow, so please know that this is written in love as well as with firsthand experience. We will drive ourselves crazy holding ourselves to a standard of normalcy that no longer exists, and I know this because again, I tried. I don’t necessarily believe that time heals all wounds, but I do believe that as time passes, you continuously learn how to adapt to your new “normal” and grief can sometimes become less crippling. While we can’t go back to what our life once was, we can restore a sense of order and routine. Getting back to things that we may have once enjoyed such as working out, going to the movies, etc. can help you as you process this major life change.

   
   

I am hopeful that this post helped someone, whether you’re wanting to support someone who’s grieving and are unsure how or you’re someone who is knee deep in your grieving journey and feeling hopeless and alone. This post is not by any means an exhaustive list of suggestions or insight, but again, just perspective from my own journey and experience with it, so what may work/not work for me may be different for the next person. Grief is not linear nor is it convenient, but it is truly an ongoing process, so grace and patience are key in navigating the highs and the lows of it all. Sending love, light, and prayers to anyone going through this holiday season (and life in general) without a loved one. May you be surrounded by love and may you encounter peace and comfort that only God can provide.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season!