Some Days I Choose Grace and Some Days I Choose Violence.

Let me just go on record by saying I never choose violence, but there are some days of parenting a teenager where the thought may or may not have crossed my mind. Thankfully, overall, my teenager is a pretty good kid. She slips up every now & again, but what child/teen doesn't? One thing I've struggled with in my ongoing parenting journey is discipline. At a time when everyone seems to think that this generation of parents has it all wrong with their lack of physical punishment or attempts at 'gentle parenting', I think we're finally making things right. I've seen more of my peers entering into therapy to heal their own trauma as a means to become even better parents to their offspring. Mending old wounds in order to end toxic beliefs/behaviors and break generational curses that have been handed down from year to year. This generation is giving our kids autonomy over their bodies and not requiring them to physically engage with family members simply because they're family. This generation is empowering our kids to exercise their voice and call us out and hold us accountable when we are being less than our best selves. I for one know that my daughter challenges me on a regular basis and will easily call me out when I'm being short-tempered or am inappropriately projecting my frustrations from work/life out on her and I'm here for it. I know I’m not perfect, so I give my kids the ability to voice when I’ve messed up or need to make things right. We may not always agree, but that’s where dialogue comes in.

When it comes to today's teens, I feel like there are so many nuances to consider when interacting with them. While we are empowering them to speak up when necessary, I also feel that they are struggling with understanding and processing their own thoughts and emotions. Suicide rates amongst teens in addition to runaway teens seem to be so much higher these days than when we were growing up, and while I don't think my daughter would ever harm herself or run away, I'm sure parents of children under those circumstances likely thought the same thing. And while I don't use that as an excuse to let her off the hook, I do make sure that regardless of what she's done, she knows that I love her and that I understand mistakes will happen.

In addition to the current teenage climate, I also think that years of being a single mom have contributed to the way in which I choose to discipline her. Years of blaming myself for the absence of her other parent and feeling as though I had to overcompensate for his absence have made me sometimes feel guilty when I have to discipline her and may also be why I am sometimes so 'lax' with her punishment. The main thing I've tried to keep in mind in order to balance this is empathy WITH accountability. And while I do understand and acknowledge some of the unfair cards she's been dealt in her life thus far, I also want to make sure that doesn’t result in an endless get out of jail free card. In light of that, sometimes, I feel like the grey area in raising teens can be a fine line to walk. Not wanting to do anything to push your teen into rebellious or unsafe behaviors, but also not wanting to let them walk all over you. I would rather her be forthcoming and tell me when she's messed up vs. being fearful of coming to me for support to help guide her through it. Getting to a place of being reflective vs. reactive is a very brand new level of parenting that I just unlocked, and I owe that to God and my therapist. And by no means do I think I have the concept completely figured out or practice it 100% of the time, but it’s certainly something I try to make a conscious effort of. There are still times where I respond immediately out of emotion rather than taking a moment to assess the situation and responding accordingly, and that is where I try to extend myself some grace. I won’t and don’t always get it right, but the one things my kids will know is that I’m always trying to.

As much as I wish that parenting came with a step-by-step instruction manual, I'm thankful to be able to see and acknowledge my growth over the years. My daughter and I have truly grown up together and as a result, I've become a better mom and woman because of it. Knowing that in just a couple short years, she will likely be leaving my nest and going out into the world to navigate it on her own, I just want to do what I can to prepare her. I want to instill the necessary tools so that as she begins to navigate her own friendships and relationships, she is well-equipped to do so. This means teaching her effective communication skills. I can't just punish her without providing an explanation of what she is being punished for and why, so it forces me to have some crucial conversations. I have to demonstrate the ability to regulate my own emotions when I speak to her in a calm tone when I'd rather yell at the top of my lungs. This also includes hindsight reflection and asking her what she could have done differently to yield a different/better outcome. I want her to be able to look introspectively and not only be able to hold herself accountable, but to also problem solve and develop better solutions for the future.

The realization that I am raising little humans that have the power to create either a positive or negative experience for someone else, reinforces how important my role as a parent is. And as frustrating as it can be at times; as much as I am ready to pull my hair out sometimes or knock everything off of the kitchen counter when her hormones and attitude get to doing their thing, I know that one day, my efforts will all make sense and she'll understand why I did the things I did.

To my fellow parents, if this is you too, just know that it gets better. Hang in there, we've got this!

Happy Early Mother’s Day to all of the amazing moms out there giving it your best shot. Know that you are seen. You are loved. And you are appreciated. 💜