In last week's post, we talked about the need to forgive others and ourselves and how important that can be for our mental health. Just in case you missed it, you can check it out here. I followed up the post with a couple of poll questions on my IG stories just to gain perspective of what others felt were the most challenging aspects of forgiveness so 1. thank you to everyone who took the time to respond and 2. I was intrigued by the results which can be seen below.
As promised, this week, I'm following up with some tips and methods to help move you from a state of bitterness and resentment to active forgiveness. And let me start by saying that forgiveness isn't always a one & done thing. Depending upon the offense and level of hurt/anguish inflicted, forgiveness may be something that you have to practice every single day. What I have come to realize in my own journey is that I was deceived by what I thought was success however, turned out to be quite the opposite. For me, one of the main offenders I had to forgive was someone I had very minimal and sporadic contact with. So, what I thought was a true release of years of resentment was masked by the simple fact that they were out of sight and out of mind. It wasn't until I was contacted by them that I realized just how much resentment and animosity I was still carrying. I had to be honest with myself and call in reinforcement because the level of forgiveness needed was far beyond what I could handle on my own, so what did I do? I prayed (and prayed and prayed). This was a person I didn't feel was worthy of my grace and forgiveness; a person that I felt should live a life full of misery because of their actions. And this is where I realized just how much my inability to forgive was tied to my own pride and ego. Though the animosity I carried was absolutely warranted and the impact of their actions will be with me for life, that wasn't the main driver behind my inability to forgive them. It was simply that I didn't think or feel that they deserved it. Whew, typing that 'out loud' is just...the audacity. Now, I'm not going to get super preachy, but I really had to be humbled to consider who I thought EYE was to deem someone unworthy of anything, especially knowing how many things God has forgiven me for. I have come to terms with the fact that it is highly unlikely that I will ever receive a genuine apology for the burden I carried as a result of their actions however, what I did know is that I could not continue to allow anyone, especially someone who was a non-factor in my day-to-day life, carry the power to anger me at simply the sight or mention of their name. And this was the moment that I realized that forgiving them had less to do with them and more to do with me and my own healing. I am so grateful that God has softened my heart in this regard because blocking my own blessings for something so meaningless is just not something I could continue to do. And this is absolutely a situation where ongoing prayer to forgive is necessary even though I feel like I've been able to move past it.
I know I got a little off topic, but I also know that context matters but let me get back to the original purpose of this post. There are various things I tried to move beyond just saying I forgave someone vs. actually doing it and here are just a few:
Write it out. I wrote letters to the people I was harboring unforgiveness for. Detailed and very descriptive letters; letters where I held absolutely nothing back. For the first time, I was able to completely release all the hurt and emotion I'd bottled up inside with seemingly nowhere to go, through an avenue that has always been therapeutic for me. I was able to flush myself of the thoughts and feelings I'd been carrying for so long. And in this instance, again, these were people I no longer had communication with so the chances of receiving an actual apology were very slim to none. I felt so much lighter after writing those letters and in case you're wondering, no, I didn't run to the nearest post office to send them off. They're housed in a journal that will never see the light of day. This was for my own ability to move into relationships without carrying the hurt and damage from the ones prior. I will say that I unexpectedly crossed paths with one of the people I struggled to forgive after years of no contact and without even saying a word, they apologized for all the pain they caused me over the years. And although, it felt great to finally and actually hear it, it was but a mere bonus to the peace I'd already been granted as a result of forgiving them prior.
Pray on it. As I mentioned above, the negative emotions I housed were too much for me to handle on my own. All I knew was that I no longer wanted to be triggered. I no longer wanted my heart to drop to the floor whenever the individual popped up. I wanted to be completely free from any burden and baggage I was carrying, and I simply did not have the strength or ability to do so. I went from carrying animosity to praying for them as a result. Now, it took A LOT of time to get to that space, but I know that my ability to finally let go of the resentment was truly nothing but God.
Feel the feels (identify and communicate them). For me, expressing emotions isn't something that comes naturally to me. Since I can remember, feelings had no power over facts. What I mean by that is that feeling hurt, sad, angry, etc. didn't have the ability to change the outcome of a situation, so I rarely allowed myself to sit in those feelings in order to understand them. And yes, this is another thing of many on the long list of laundry items my therapist was tasked with to help me work through. Telling someone that they hurt me was a sign of weakness to me (yeah, childish I know), but I am slowly coming to realize that having emotions and (effectively)expressing my emotions is more of a sign of strength than it is a weakness. The ability to put my pride aside and be vulnerable about something or someone's impact on me is a superpower. The ability to possibly cause someone else to consider a different perspective or be more mindful of their actions and their impact, which could lead to better relationships and communication. We have become so fearful of what others may think/say in response to what we share that we miss out on opportunities to improve the overall human experience. We have turned into a society of claiming to be "unbothered" by things that are warranted to bother us, but can I let you in on a little secret? Pretending you don't care about something doesn't make the emotion go away, it simply suppresses it until that emotion is triggered again. And if I have learned anything, it's that suppressed emotions will absolutely always be triggered again in one way, shape, or form. So, if you're one who thinks that being emotionless somehow minimizes hurt/disappointment or are too prideful to admit when your feelings have been hurt, I challenge you to try something different and let the offender know how their actions affected you. What they do with that information is totally on them however, you may be surprised at what comes out of it and if nothing else, you will have at least shifted the weight of that burden rather than carrying it all yourself.
Practice empathy (with boundaries). As I have mentioned before, I am good for not holding people accountable and choosing to forgive out of a space of simply not desiring to have conflict. There have been times and situations where accountability should've been required however, I welcomed ease over discomfort. Simply allowing time and space to pass and obtaining no formal apology or acknowledgment of any wrongdoing and I realized that that placed more of a burden on me than it did the responsible party. There's a quote that I'm sure we've all seen on Instagram at some point or another that says, "never be so understanding that you overlook the disrespect" and that speaks VOLUMES to me. As an empath, I have become what I would call "overly" considerate of other people, so much that I sometimes sacrifice myself as a result. After being burned so many times by repeat offenders, I had to learn (and am still learning) how to strike a balance between being understanding, but also implementing boundaries to help mitigate the risk of being let down again. You can be understanding of someone's situation or circumstances without compromising yourself in the process. Like most other things in life, again, it takes balance and practice.
Extend grace (to yourself and the offender). Although last on this list, it is most certainly not least. We can sometimes be hard on ourselves or feel like we're being a pushover by forgiving someone. We may think we have moved beyond our negative feelings but are quickly triggered when the individual or situation comes around. We may continue to criticize ourselves for our past mistakes despite making the decision to forgive ourselves and leave the past in the past. We may hold others or ourselves to unrealistic standards and expect perfection moving forward however, I caution you on that and want to remind you that we are all human and we will all make mistakes. We may repeat the same mistake(s), and it may take us more than one instance of being corrected to get it right, but that's where grace comes in. I have gotten to a point in my life where I find myself falling back on the question "what would God do?" What if He were to hold me to a standard that I was never able to reach? What if after I repeated the same mistake over & over, He threw it back in my face that I continue to fall short and I'm never going to be good enough? What if He made the choice to say that my transgressions were too offensive, and I was no longer welcome in His presence? Now, do I reflect this way all the time? No, however, I do reflect this way quite often. If God treated us the way we treat one another, wow, what a life we would live. When I think of God's grace for me, I feel like I have no choice to extend that same grace to others and myself.
Now, this isn't an all-inclusive list by any means but are just some things that have worked for me, specifically. I would love to hear from you all, so let me know, what are some things that have helped you move past forgiving someone or yourself? Another thing I'm interested to hear from others on is how do you know when you have truly forgiven someone/yourself? What does that look like for you? Meet me over on IG and let me know in the comments or in response to the poll in my stories.
Happy Friday loves and may you have an amazing weekend.
Yorumlar