For the past few weeks (maybe even a little longer), I've been in quite a bit of a funk. Stress and anxiety have been getting the best of me; my confidence and self-esteem has been non-existent; and overall, I just haven't been very happy in my circumstances. Life has been stressful and seems to be traveling at a million miles per second, and just when I think that the coast is clear, there's yet another curve ball waiting off in the distance. So many things have been taking place in my life, many of which have been out of my realm of control and some of which are well within my grasp, but mostly me granting permission to others to disturb my peace and balance, and often times, this is not done with intention. I had relinquished my power to external forces and began to lose sight of any control. But before I get too far off topic, I'll be clear that this post isn't meant to wallow in self-pity or dwell on a whole 'woe is me' soapbox, but more so to shed light on something that finally clicked within me the other day that I felt inclined to share.
As I look back over my life, I have come to realize that my happiness has always been centered around something external. Whether that be a person, an event, an item, etc., my happiness has never been rooted internally. I have never been the source of my own happiness and although I think it took me far too long to come to this realization, I am beyond grateful to have made it. I see and am inspired by all of these brave and bold women around me embracing who they are and who they are becoming; celebrating themselves for exactly where they are in this moment and the journey that they've traveled to get there, and then...there's me. Yeah, I may share a post or two or may seemingly have it all together however, I am at an unfamiliar crossroad in my journey. I see women indulging in self-praise and affirmations; speaking life into themselves on a daily, and then...there's me. I have friends who are completely comfortable hanging out alone, treating themselves to dinner and a movie, or shopping alone, and then...there's me. While solitude has become like second nature to me, my solitude is merely the absence of other people. My solitude isn't being spent exploring and getting to know/love myself, who I am and who I am destined to become. My solitude isn't spent pouring into myself and indulging in activities and hobbies that bring ME happiness, but rather, it is spent merely avoiding human interaction with others.
I'm sure that we've all heard the saying that if you can't stand to spend time alone with yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to want to? And while I always thought that saying was completely and utterly dumb, it finally began to make more sense. I had to ask myself, what value are you adding to those around you if you can't even add value to yourself? What energy can you pour into those around you, if you're not even pouring that same energy into yourself? Ultimately it boils down to the question, what good can I be for anyone if I am not in turn any good for myself? It's a very harsh reality to come to grips with the fact that your happiness is tied up in other people or outside factors, but again, it's a realization that needed to be made. It wasn't until recently that I had to ask myself when was the last time I was truly and genuinely happy. A few days ago, a picture from my most recent graduation in 2017 popped up in my Facebook memories. The joy and happiness I had felt that weekend instantly refreshed itself in my mind. And while I would love to say that happiness stemmed from the fact that I had reached a new level of accomplishment, it didn't. That joy came from the excitement and celebration of me centered around that occasion. Having my loved ones tell me how proud they were of me; my friends and family taking the time to come and celebrate with me; but I alone, was not the reason for my joy, but instead, others' celebration of me was. Even as I reflect on past relationships and situationships (because yes...those count too), I realized that I have always allowed my happiness to be dictated by the men that I was with. I allowed their actions and behaviors to dictate my mood and my reactions. I allowed their disloyalty and dishonesty to change my heart and the way that I dealt with others after them. I even went as low as allowing them to dictate my worth and self-esteem. I allowed their ideologies for what I should act like and how I should look infiltrate my psyche and began to second guess myself and who I was as a woman. I allowed friendships and other interactions to impact my behavior and decisions. It is so easy to lose yourself in your relationship(s) or your friendship(s), so it is vital to have a solid foundation of who you are with or without them upfront. And as I look back over my life, I regrettably admit that I have given my power over the years to all of the wrong people. It wasn't until a few days ago that I finally realized that I and I alone, have to become happy and satisfied with who I am regardless of the company I am in.
If I do nothing else in life, I am good for making lists. I am a firm believer in writing things down. Writing things down serves as a constant reminder and reference guide for me. Upon having this most recent epiphany, I began to randomly jot down things/activities that bring me happiness. A few examples being that I love to bake and I get a kick out of crushing new recipes; I love testing my skills and completing creative DIY projects; and I also love spending time aimlessly walking the aisles of Hobby Lobby while decorating my future home in my head. Upon making this list, I then made the conscious decision that during my periods of alone time, I am going to become more intentional in exploring myself; my likes and my dislikes; my strengths and my weaknesses; my beauties and my imperfections. I am going to explore and pour into every aspect of me whether good, bad, or ugly and finally get to a place in which I can truly say (and with complete honesty) that I am wholeheartedly happy with who I am as a person. Not as a mom, not as a significant other, not as a friend, or as a colleague...but that with me and myself alone, I am enough to create my own happiness.
Happiness to one could be different to others. Some find happiness in traveling to foreign lands, while others may find happiness in indulging in a good book that allowed them to mentally escape. To some, happiness may be looking at yourself in a mirror and acknowledging the beauty in all of your imperfections; while for others, their happiness lies in the visible results of their efforts in the gym. The point is that happiness to you, may not mean the same to others around you, and being confident enough to know that that's okay.
If you are currently in a similar space where you're unsure where your happiness lies or are allowing external factors to dictate it for you, I pray that you find your inner power to define what happiness looks like to YOU and then do everything in your control to create it.
"Happiness is a journey, not a destination." - Paul H. Dunn