One Life to Inspire strives to give a voice and a platform to those who are looking to share their story in hopes that it will reach others who may be going through similar life experiences and circumstances. Today's guest blog comes right on time as Mental Health Awareness month kicked off on 5/1. This brave young woman tells a story that truly touched my heart and my mind the same. Thank you, Jessica for choosing my site to break your silence on such a private experience. I hope that those who read this are just as impacted as I was.
"There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts- before this, and after this."-- "Fallen"
Trauma is defined by Merriam-Webster as:
An injury (such as a wound) caused by an extrinsic agent of physical or psychological nature, such as:
Damage to living tissue, or
A disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury, or
An emotional upset, i.e. the trauma of an executive who is not living up to his or her own expectations.
An agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma.
There are only a select few near and dear that know my story and have been there, by my side every step of the way. To those few, I am beyond grateful for you. Thank you for your support and encouragement along my journey. Recently I experienced a huge breakthrough in my life. As I grow as an individual, I realize the importance of taking care of your mental health. I have also come to the realization that everything begins in your mind. Although this experience was very traumatic and took me nearly 11 years to heal through, it was monumental in my journey because it has brought me to this point of my understanding my purpose.
It will be 11 years in May that I married Joe and together, we joined the Army. We shipped to Basic Combat Training on separate dates, I shipped on June 24th and he shipped on July 2nd. However, we wound up in the same Battalion but different companies. I was in Delta Company, he was in Echo Company. Initially, we weren't supposed to graduate together as we shipped at different times but God knew best. I remember the huge sense of accomplishment we had that day. We were so incredibly proud of ourselves and of each other.
From that point, we headed to Ft. Lee, VA to begin Advanced Individual Training. We decided to rent a car and drive to VA from Ft. Jackson, SC to give us some quality time to spend with one another before we embarked on our next phase. We arrived September 14th. This time, we were in the same Company and the same platoon. Again, this was nothing but God because since we were married, we were supposed to be in separate Battalions. The first few days were pretty disorganized so we did not have real PT. September 17, 2008 is a day I could never forget. We woke up for our first day of morning PT. It was about 5 am, the sun was still rising so it was hard to see across the football field. We were in the middle of shuttle sprints, the whistle blew, it was Joe's turn, he looked back at me, said "I love you" then took off. The whistle blew again, it was my turn. I took off, and as I was running, I noticed in the distance, someone laying down on their back. Immediately, I begin to look around for Joe as I completed my drill. Upon completion, I ran up to the person laying down, to my surprise, it was Joe. He was laying there, eyes rolled in the back of his head and foaming at the mouth. I screamed! My First SGT ran over and removed me from Joe (they did not realize we were married). He checked my dog tag as well as Joe's. Once it was verified he was my husband, they allowed me to be by his side as long as I remained calm. At this point, I am in a state of complete shock and disbelief but Joe needed me. I held his hand and asked him to squeeze it if he could hear me, I told him I love him and that everything would be ok. Meanwhile, my Captain (who was a medic) was keeping track of his pulse while we awaited EMT's. Suddenly, I hear my Captain say "I lost it." At that point, I lost it. I was completely removed from Joe, sent back to Tango Company with two battle buddies and escorted to the hospital. I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like hours before the Dr. came out. I stood up for him to escort me to his room and the Dr. sat me down. He got on one knee and broke the news that my husband died. The course of my life changed and would never be the same.
I discharged from the Army and reconnected with family. Over the next several months, I experienced a falling out with my Mother- In-Law in which she accused me of killing Joe because I did not perform CPR on him. This devastated me as I could not even process his death at this time.
Fast forward through 10 years of experiences. Internally, I secretly battled myself, held guilt and beat myself up. I placed blame on myself for not giving him CPR myself. I found myself in toxic relationships and even struggled with excessive drinking at one point.
January, 2019, about 4 days before I was relocating to Texas, I ran into my Mother- In- Law inside of a Kroger grocery store. We had not communicated in 10 years, since our falling out! She called my name, I immediately recognized her voice and my throat dropped to the pit of my stomach. I thought to myself… "all this time, I have managed to avoid her and NOW, days before I move out of Ohio, I run into her. Great!" I walked over and she embraced me. It was as if I had a hairball in my throat, I was at a loss for words. She told me that she had been thinking about me and praying for me for years. I told her I had some things of Joe's that I wanted her to have and would bring it by before I moved. I told her I would reach out to schedule a time to stop by her home.
I got scared, I wasn't ready. All this time and I still was not ready to face her. I moved to Texas and immediately got myself into counseling. I discovered that I had been suffering from PTSD. I realized that I needed to heal my mind to break the cycle that I was in. I immediately began CPT- Cognitive Processing Therapy to work face my trauma, remove the limiting beliefs I placed on myself and heal. Through this therapy, I learned that when trauma occurs, your body has a natural response that we have no control over. We either fight, flight, or freeze. In my case, I froze. I realized that I have been frozen in that cycle of trauma for over 10 years! In March, I came home for a few days to handle some business and decided to face my fear and reach out to my Mother In-Law. My mom accompanied me to her home and when I got there, she immediately burst into tears, embraced me, and apologized. We both sat and cried together. She prayed for me and over my life. She apologized to me for the way she treated me while Joe and I dated and for hurtful things she said to me. In that moment, I forgave her and immediately, a huge weight was lifted off of me.
2019 has definitely been my year of healing and growth. I have experienced so much growth this year simply by taking a leap of faith, trusting God and myself and stepping out of my comfort zone.
Mental health is so important. All of us have experienced some form of trauma but few of us choose to acknowledge and heal from it. Although we can’t control all of the things that happen to us, we most certainly have a responsibility to recognize our trauma and receive treatment. What type of treatment a patient pursues is a personal decision.