With social media, you have the involuntary ability to take a step into the mind of the peers around you, which at times, can be just as bad as it is good. Being able to read their views on politics and current events, but also on life experiences with things such as marriage/relationships and parenting. I was scrolling through my timeline last night and stumbled across a post and comments that made me cringe. Quick disclaimer before I dive into this post, that I in no way, shape, or form deem myself a perfect parent and I fully understand that every parent is different however, what I read yesterday really hurt my soul.
A question was posed to the timeline on whether or not parents reward/incentivize their child(ren) for receiving good grades on their report card. Now while I thought this was a common practice, as I read through the comments, I found that it was not. I think the worst part of what I read is that most of those who commented, indicated that they don’t reward for their children for doing “what they’re supposed to do.” This hit me in a number of ways and mainly because I remember working for a toxic manager who felt that receiving a paycheck should be reward enough for someone to come in and do their job regardless of how miserable it made them or how mentally taxing it was. Rarely recognizing the efforts of her employees who went above and beyond to do good work. Employees quitting left and right, and the rest of the floor was left to pick up the load of the high turnover with not as much as a thank you because that was the expectation. To me, (emphasis on TO ME), that same mindset is what is being instilled in children when you fail to celebrate/reward them for their conscious efforts and good behaviors such as receiving good grades. I’ve helped my daughter with her homework, so I know that it isn’t easy in the least bit. I know that bringing home good grades actually takes a great deal of effort on her part, so why not reward her for consistently pushing through challenges to meet my expectations? And if I would punish her for bad grades, how could I not reward her for good ones?
As adults, when it comes to our jobs, I can’t think of many people who wouldn’t want to be recognized for a job well done. Whether you’ve mastered a skill that’s required of your job or successfully facilitated a breakthrough meeting with your management team, I think that successes should always be celebrated or at least recognized. I can remember how unmotivated I’d been in a past position where the expectation was that I run myself into ground working a job and trying to consistently meet their metrics when it was nearly impossible to do. I would hate for my child to experience that same feeling of being unappreciated for committing to their studies and putting in the effort to maintain good grades. This is not to say that children need to be taken to Disney World for being on honor roll all year however, something as simple as a trip to their favorite restaurant or getting a special dessert. Rewards don’t even have to be monetary. Rewards can be verbal praise and encouragement, but to not acknowledge their efforts at all, to me, can be harmful in their continued development.
My mind tends to think deeper than surface level and having a psychology background doesn’t help that. I tend to look at the bigger picture but in a more drilled-down manner. So, while some may say it doesn’t really matter if kids get rewarded or not, I think of the long-term effect it could have on them as they get older and enter the “real world.” I think a lot of parents underestimate the power that they have over their children’s lives and their future. This is the time to foster a sense of self-esteem and confidence within them. I think these days, many parents struggle with finding the happy medium between raising an entitled A for effort, participation trophy-toting child and raising a child who is encouraged and praised for doing good things. Not many people want to raise a child who feels that people should be obligated to treat them a certain way or do certain things however, I also believe that children have their entire adult lives to be unappreciated and unrecognized, so why contribute to that at such a young age?
I think that sometimes as parents, it doesn’t connect that our children will grow up to be adults and exhibit the thoughts and behaviors experienced in their environment. This extends itself far beyond a reward system. How many times have you disciplined your child without explaining to them exactly what they were being disciplined for? How many times have you apologized to your child for losing your cool and getting frustrated? How many times have you effectively communicated your disappointment to your child when they’ve done something unfavorable? Many people fail to realize that we are all products of our environments, and traits and behaviors that we’ve experienced have assisted in molding us into who we are today. Whether those traits and behaviors are toxic or non-toxic, they are still part of who we are. I encourage parents to think outside of the fact that your child is currently only 4-years-old and think of what type of person they will be in the years to come. Do you want your child to be one where yelling at others is the only way to get their point across? Or would you prefer your child grow into an adult who is able to communicate their thoughts in a healthy and effective way? As I stated before, I am nowhere near being a perfect parent however, I do strive to raise a child who won’t contribute to the issues had within my generation. A bunch of toxic and hurt adults who’d rather hurt others than heal themselves. A bunch of adults who can’t effectively communicate and would rather post subliminal messages via social media than to reach out to someone and work through their problems. I look at the issues of our society today and can’t help but think that the future generations will be worse because we’re teaching our kids to be us rather than teaching them to be better.