Over the last few years, I have become more and more cognizant of my boundaries and the triggers of my anxiety. I have always been that friend, that colleague, that associate that people would come to unleash the troubles of their mind to. In the time leading up to my father’s passing, I continued to carry the burdens of others’ lives and issues, all while trying to work through my own. It wasn’t until I found myself having numerous breakdowns that I realized that I was spreading myself far too thin. Being that person who answers whenever anyone calls and responds to texts within moments, I unintentionally created a reputation of being the dependable friend, which quickly became a double-edged sword. I always felt guilty if I missed someone’s call or didn’t respond to a text in less than 60 seconds because heaven forbid, I not be available when someone needed me. I was that person who would drop everything that I was doing to come to the aid of someone else, no matter what I happened to be dealing with. In addition to overextending myself, add being an empath into the equation. It made matters exponentially worse because I literally felt EVERYTHING whether I wanted to or not. I was unable to interact with others and be there for them without naturally carrying the weight that I allowed them to unload on me. If they hurt, then I hurt. All on top of the hurt and despair I was carrying of my own and still working to come to terms with. Because I was unable to separate and compartmentalize the energy from my interactions, I made a conscious decision to make myself inaccessible. This decision was extremely difficult for me and for awhile, I felt beyond guilty for choosing to put myself before others. But I will tell you one thing, sometimes being selfish is so very necessary. You cannot continue to pour into others without first pouring into and replenishing yourself. This conscious decision marked the start of a journey on a road that I had never traveled before, and that journey was practicing self-care.
I had never actually processed the fact that my dad was gone. I convinced myself that I had to remain strong. “Strong." It seems that we inadvertently equate strength to be measured by how much we can endure without breaking or showing no emotion because showing emotion is a sign of weakness, right? Strength means not allowing ourselves to breakdown and feel whatever it is that we are going through. When you are dealing with grief and loss, there are so many concepts that you must unlearn in order to ensure that you don’t lose your mind. Over time, I have had to remind myself (along with the help of others) that strength does not equate to being numb. Strength is not fighting back tears when all you physically and mentally want to do is curl into a ball and cry. Strength is being aware of those feelings and acknowledging them. Strength is being able to be vulnerable and being able to express to yourself and others that you are not okay. It is okay not to be okay. I repeat, IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. Too many times we feel like we must be the same bubbly, smiling ball of energy in the midst of fighting some of the worst internal battles that we have ever experienced. You are allowed to have an “off” day. You are allowed to be sad, angry, distraught, or whatever other feeling you may be experiencing in response to what you are going through. It is perfectly okay to allow yourself to feel and feel often.
As I began to embark on this journey, I began to also understand what self-care is and can be. We’ve all seen the memes on social media that tell us that self-care isn’t necessarily about bubble baths and wine. Self-care isn’t necessarily a spa day or a decompressing yoga session. Self-care is the constant routine of taking care of yourself, mentally, physically, and spiritually however you deem fit. Self-care can mean journaling anytime you feel anxious or overwhelmed with emotion but need to get thoughts out. Self-care can mean hitting the gym every morning before work to ensure that you have enough energy to make your work day great. Self-care can mean following a nightly regimen that puts you in bed early enough to achieve 8-9 hours of sleep. Self-care can literally be any and everything that YOU find beneficial to help you remain sane and balanced. Self-care for me meant being selfish. It meant becoming aware of my mental boundaries and being comfortable telling people ‘no’. It meant not forcing myself to be in the company of those that I didn’t desire to be around. Self-care for me meant allowing myself to experience and feel every single step of the grief process and not beating myself up for doing so.
During my absence, I became so apologetic to my friends as I felt guilty for not being accessible to them; for not keeping up with what was going on in their lives. Fortunately for me, I have a circle of friends who wondered why I hadn’t made this discovery of self-preservation and self-care sooner. As you practice self-care, be sure to surround yourself with people who understand the need to be good to yourself. People who don’t take offense to your need to be alone sometimes. And most importantly, surround yourself with people that deposit into you just as much as they withdraw.
Whether you are overwhelmed with the day-to-day routines in life; have experienced a devastating loss or breakup; or simply desire to maintain a distinct level of peace and good energy about yourself, self-care should always be your top priority. Find a hobby, find a craft, or an activity that you enjoy, whatever it takes to give you peace of mind in this cruel and chaotic world...do that. Don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t be afraid to disconnect. Don’t be afraid to do anything necessary to make YOU feel good (as long as it's safe and not harmful of course). Most importantly, don't be afraid to take care of you.
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” – Audre Lorde