As you can probably begin to tell, there are stories after stories and experiences after experiences that have brought me to where I currently am in life. Heartbreak and happiness, despair and determination. All of life's experiences, whether good or bad, have the power to impact our development in a major way. In my previous post, I mentioned that I started working on my site in August 2017. My post today is a blog that I began writing in the midst of the most difficult time of my life.
Have you ever experienced a moment when it seems as though your heart has been completely sucked out of your chest? Like everything in your life just completely stopped making sense? Well, I had that very feeling in October of 2014. I remember receiving the phone call from my mom that afternoon while leaving work, advising that my father had been diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer. Immediately my mind began racing. Would he die tomorrow? What does this mean for our family? What are we going to do? How did this happen? Why him and not someone else? I became overwhelmed with countless thoughts that the very man who gave me life was going to be taken away from me at any moment. How was I to cope with the thought that my first hero and first love was diagnosed with an illness that is known to kill and destroy? As my world began to crumble around me, my dad began to suit up for the fight ahead. His strength, his courage, and his faith were enough to ease my troubled mind and I began to feel that maybe, just maybe...things weren't nearly as bad as I had originally thought.
I recall November of 2016 celebrating his two-year anniversary of fighting this devastating disease. Despite the treatment, the side effects, and the cancer, itself, my dad continued fighting and most importantly, he continued smiling. My dad was the type who would literally give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it, a man who rarely ever put himself first. Despite the fact that his physical health was declining, he remained committed to fighting and toughing it out for the sake of his family. I remember texting him as I began to notice changes and made him promise me that he would never give up, and he gave me his word.
Fast forward to May of 2017, I was crossing the stage again having completed my Master's Degree. My dad was so proud. I remember a text I received from him while he was at work confirming what my degree was in so that he could brag accurately. I was his baby girl, his pride and joy and there is nothing that he wouldn't do for me. Despite how poor he felt physically, he was determined to watch his baby girl cross that stage, so he attended my graduation as well as my party the following day. I had no idea that the pictures we took that weekend would be the last ones we had together.
June of 2017, my family and I celebrated Father's Day with him at his favorite campsite. We had no idea that this would be the last Father's Day celebration we had with him here. August 20th of 2017, I watched my father, my Superman, my hero take his very last breath. My dad fought literally to the death of him. To see the man who always wore a smile, who did everything in his power to make sure that everyone was taken care of, lie there weak and lifeless was by far one of the most devastating and traumatizing experiences to date. And although we had been told by doctors that this was going to happen, that moment still seemed to suck my entire soul out of my chest. My dad was really gone. He knew his fate and had come to peace with it, and I truly believe that's what has allowed me to grieve in the way which I have. His peace allows me to continue to smile despite how much I miss him and how much I wish that he was here with me. The month leading up to his passing was one in which I will cherish forever. I am forever grateful for the time that we were able to spend; the pride he had in the woman I had become; the talks we were able to have, and the mental preparation he gave me as to how to live without him.
I have cried tears of shock, tears of sadness, tears of a lost understanding trying to figure out why God needed him so bad. Of all the evil people in this world who could've taken his place instead. My daughter lost her best friend and my future children will never get to meet their amazing grandpa.Visions of my wedding day, wondering who will walk me down the aisle. How can I marry without my significant other asking my dad for hand in marriage? How will this work? Though I will never understand it, I do have faith that my dad is with me always. His characteristics of strength and selflessness flow through my veins on a daily basis. And this site for me, is my vow to ensure that his legacy never dies. His legacy of being able to inspire and encourage through his actions and his words. Here lies the birth of a legacy continuation. Thank you for keeping your promise to me, dad. Although you may be gone, you will never be forgotten and I hope that I continue to make you proud.
Love always,
Daddy's Little Girl